Calinger: Why Bill Belichick should run for president (LOL)
By J.W. CALINGER
ISL Correspondent
Note: The author considers this an entirely tongue-in-cheek article. The views do not reflect the opinions of the editor or founder.
OMAHA, Neb. — After watching highlights from the last few Presidential debates, I’ve come to the conclusion that both parties are in serious trouble. One party has an upstart socialist versus a polarizing corporatist who poses as a liberal to gain votes, and the other has a few social conservatives who say stupid things about legalizing gay marriage and cannabis, and a self-promoting huckster who mostly has gained attention by being a loudmouth about people sneaking into this country to work jobs most of us wouldn’t work anyway. For millions of Americans, the thought of any of these goofballs in the Oval Office is scary. We need someone else. I think we need to draft New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick.
Belichick doesn’t seem like a natural choice at first. For one thing, millions of people hate him. People hate him in Miami, New York, Pittsburgh and, for those who have memories of Super Bowls past, the Carolinas, Philadelphia, and St. Louis. I would add Buffalo to the list, but most Bills fans live in Toronto, and they’re not eligible to vote down here. Think about this, though: People wish he would stop coaching the Patriots, but most of them absolutely would love to have him coach their team. Were he in the White House, he’d be out of New England, and he’d be the Head Coach of the United States of America. Everyone wins!
Most Presidents end up in scandals that outrage half the country. President George W. Bush had half the country against him because of how he handled the occupation of Iraq, and how he curtailed civil liberties. President Obama has half the country against him because of social programs, Benghazi, and curtailing the same civil liberties in the same manner. Meanwhile, Belichick comes out of scandals smelling like a rose, in comparison to those politicians. Fans might accuse him of cheating, but only because they believe he cheated against them, and pundits dismiss every investigation of him and his golden boy, quarterback Tom Brady, as ridiculous and, as my uncle would say, “petty and vindictive”. If he cheated for the U.S., trust me, the only people who would be mad at him would be residents of countries we don’t like anyway.
Belichick’s experience with covert operations probably would help with foreign policy and national defense. If Russia acts up, he could tell their foreign ministers, “I can deflate your balls, too, Comrade.” If we have to fight in the Middle East, I imagine even the most remote Afghan hillbilly would be afraid if he knew Secretary of Defense Tom Brady (I know, he doesn’t play defense, but still …) were coming to oversee the newest operation. I can see the press conference now.
REPORTER: “Mr. President, how did you intercept the enemy communications so easily?”
PRESIDENT BELICHICK: “Easy. They used the same frequency as the New York Jets, when Rex Ryan was Head Coach.”
Now, one might protest that Belichick doesn’t know much about various American domestic policies. Let’s assume he doesn’t. Let’s assume he has no idea what to do about education, health care, agriculture, immigration, and other various issues Presidents are supposed to address. That said – so what? I’m not so sure he’s all that great at all the aspects of running a football team. What he does know how to do is, choose the right people. He can draft players, and he can hire assistance coaches that make him look good.
If Belichick can do half as good a job at choosing a cabinet as he can at choosing a coaching staff and a wide receiver corps, I think we’d be set as a country. Ronald Reagan chose lieutenants who could do the job when he was President, and despite all his scandals, he’s one of the most popular Presidents of the last 50 years. The difference is, that Belichick would do a better job keeping watch over his lieutenants and making sure they don’t mess up royally.
Sure, Belichick isn’t the most charismatic or handsome candidate around. But, I think this country could use a President who doesn’t try to smile or act outraged or charismatic all the time. We need a relative grouch like Calvin Coolidge – who, by coincidence, also was from New England. I think he’d do all right, especially if he showed up for press conferences in a cut hoodie with the Presidential seal and the initials “BB”.
I think we need to get this campaign going. Maybe someone can print up some “BB16” stickers, and we can put them on our cars and laptops. Belichick might not want to do it at first, but I think we can convince him that if he really is a Patriot, he needs to do something, you know, patriotic. Plus, as a country, we may well have reached the point where a football coach could do a better job in the White House than the goofballs we have now, so we might as well go with the flow.
